…But I Digress

In an earlier post I ranted a bit about dysfunction. It had nothing to do with the actual post, but I chose not to remove it. I spent some time thinking about that. As a result, this post is quite different and more personal. I believe that it may resonate with single women more than anyone else. If you are not a single woman, I would like to think it is still worth the read. Enjoy!

Imagine this scenario. You have a lovely home that you keep very tidy. The house has endured a few storms, but you have been restoring and improving it and are happily enjoying the journey. You do something daily to maintain it. It is not perfect, and gets messy at times, but you recognize it and clean it up right away. Some projects take longer than others; you do have a couple of closets that need items purged and others reorganized. When someone is invited in, they remove their shoes as to not bring in dirt. They understand and share the same perspective about keeping their own home clean.

Periodically, you have a guest who thinks that their shoes are not dirty, so they do not want to remove them upon entering your home. They want you to give in to their desire to keep their shoes on. You stand your ground because you know and respect the effort you’ve put into taking care of your home. Instead of understanding, sharing, or respecting your position, they leave hastily because there are many other homes where they will be welcomed.

Then there is the guest who comes along by surprise. They remove their shoes without you needing to let them know that it is required. You are pleased, and even a bit excited so you let them in. They share the same perspective and ideals as you. It is beautiful and you find yourself enamored. Several visits later, as you continue to get to know them, you realize that they are simply great at talking…and wasting your time. So much talking and never any doing. You are dealing with a fraud. It almost seems as though they believe the words they are speaking. You wonder to yourself, “Am I dealing with a coward, or a sociopath?” You politely open the door and ask them to leave your home. You are disappointed at the deception and the waste of time.

After they leave, you sit back to reflect. You look around and find that some of your most treasured items are missing and there’s dirt everywhere. You have worked so hard to take care of your home and this person came in and tricked you, stole from you, and left a mess for you to clean up. You feel like the person has stolen things that can never be recovered.

This scenario could apply to any area of life that involves dealing with people. For me, it is the best way I can explain what dating in my forties has been like.

The house represents my life and journey. I’ve had some experiences, including being married so there were a lot of things left behind from that, and from every other situation or person that I had conformed to in the past. I needed to purge the junk and truly work on healing and getting to know myself. It has been a wonderful experience. The guests who remove their shoes upon entering represent friends. People who are either like-minded, or even if they do not understand it, they respect where I am in my life.

The guest who refuses to remove their shoes are the men I’ve met who do not take responsibly for their issues. Sadly, most of the men I’ve met fall into this category. They are damaged and wounded upon arrival. They expect you to operate within the dysfunction that they bring, because they do not recognize it as dysfunctional. It is normal for him. Drama and problems are always someone else’s fault. It’s never him, and he rarely takes full responsibility for anything. When you share a different perspective, hoping for a healthy conversation, it does not go well. Instead of acknowledging, taking responsibility for, and doing something that will help him to become a better man, he is quick to stop talking to you. His logic is that because there are so many more women than men, he will have no problem finding another woman. He is correct. He will easily find someone, even if it is temporary. These men want an amazing woman, but they offer little in return. They will continue to bounce from woman to woman until they find one who is co-dependent enough to stay with them regardless of their behavior.

The one who came by surprise represents a couple of past relationships. These are the men who initially seemed to be great. In the end, they were more dangerous than the ones who are blatantly dysfunctional simply because I had allowed them into my home. This means that a lot was shared, and I believed they were good, trustworthy men. (Dating has me wondering though if trustworthy men are even a real thing. Maybe they are mythical. Like unicorns. Sorry! I digress.) Those relationships did not work out.

The missing items that were treasured and the traces of dirt represent heartbreak or disappointment. It is no fun dealing with the ending of a relationship that once brought you joy and made you feel hopeful. Especially when you learn that the person was a fraud. You may feel anger. Let it go and resist the urge to pay them back for the wrong that they have committed against you. God is your vindicator.

What I have learned is to acknowledge the feelings and let the emotions run their course. Once you do that, you see that your treasured items were not stolen. They just got a little dirty and simply need to be restored. Healing is in order. Embrace and find joy in self-reflection and healing. I recently read a devotional that said, “With God, letting go never means losing, but getting back something better.” Do not let this experience set you back and make you delay or miss what God has for you.

Maybe you are thinking to yourself, “Okay the common denominator in all of this is you, so maybe you need to look at yourself.” This is true and I will be the first to tell you how imperfect I am. I work to become a better woman every day. No one is perfect and we are all a work in progress. For me, the difference is in those who take full responsibility and do the work and those who do not.

I joked about it because it really does seem to be rare, but I do know that good, trustworthy men exist. God will bring the right one into my life at the right time. I certainly cannot do it on my own. I am thankful for my experiences because I am learning so much. I also realize that good men experience some of the same frustration with dating.

If you are married or cannot relate to this at all, hopefully I’ve at least entertained you for a few moments and given you a perspective that may help you to understand some of the things that the single people in your life may be going through.

If you are single and can relate to this journey, feel free to comment and let me know. Otherwise, I will believe that I’m the only one who has experienced this insanity. Also, trust that God sees you and knows the desires of your heart. If you walk according to His will, He will bring the right partner for you. (See Hebrews 10:36) In the meantime, enjoy your journey. Keep learning, growing and being the amazing person that you are!

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