Friendship Part 2

After writing my earlier post on friendship, I realized that the topic could really get very deep. I wrote about true, healthy friendships. Since then, whether it was prompted by a conversation, a spiritual download, or something I’ve watched on television, I have been thinking about the fact that not everyone we call a friend is truly a friend. As a result, I felt compelled to write about unhealthy friendships.

I generally like to keep my posts light, but this one is not. For several weeks, this topic has been weighing on me so maybe there is someone out there who needs it and may find it helpful.

Unhealthy relationships may involve someone who is controlling, manipulative, or selfish. In the past, when I thought of these relationships, I had imagined them to be visibly toxic, drama filled, and therefore quite easy to identify. I know now that this is not always the case.

I was watching a show called “On the Verge.” At the end of one episode, one of the characters was working on a book. As she was typing, she narrated. “It’s not always easy to spot a narcissist because they often pretend to be a well advising friend or husband. The narcissist denigrates family, friends, to make a void around you.”

She was referring to her husband who would say sweet things to her, but then he would follow it with an insult that would sometimes be spoken in that same sweet tone. He also tried to manipulate her into getting rid of her friends because according to him, they were not good friends for her to have.

In recent years we’ve heard the word “narcissist” used so much that many feel like it has been overused. Personally, I am thankful that the awareness has spread. As a result of more awareness, many people have been able to define, understand, and do something about the unhealthy relationships in their lives with people who may possess several narcissistic traits.

I am not a mental health professional, and as always, I can only share my perspective based on my own life experiences. I’m also not saying that every unhealthy relationship automatically means that one of the people involved is a narcissist. I do believe that it is important to understand what narcissism is. Especially covert narcissism. There is so much information out there so if you are not knowledgeable about this topic, it is worth the time to learn about it. It may help you or a friend.

Covert narcissists may seem caring and helpful and will make you believe that they are your biggest cheerleader and best friend. The problem is that they make you feel indebted to them and use it to manipulate the relationship. This is especially dangerous for anyone who is extremely empathetic or easily burdened with guilt. With narcissists, even acts that are loving and kind on the surface typically have self-serving motives behind them. They are masters of emotional blackmail.

“When love has an agenda, it’s not love anymore”

Bob Goff

Being made to feel as though I owe a perpetual debt to a friend for their generosity toward me sounds more like a predatory loan, not authentic friendship. True friendship does not hold you hostage. If we spend our lives paying off this perpetual debt, we will never fulfill God’s purpose for our lives.

Sometimes people who once were the best thing that happened to us can become the one thing that is blocking us. Many times, they enter our lives when we are vulnerable. They fill a void. We do not see what is happening because initially the relationship seems healthy. The person may be supportive and may go out of their way to help and encourage you. It does not feel like manipulation. It feels like genuine friendship. It feels great to know that someone cares enough to go above and beyond the way this person does. By the time we start to recognize the manipulation, we may be so deeply entangled that there is no easy way out. On top of that we may feel bad because of everything that the person has done for us. If we attempt to pull away from them, they tend to really step up their manipulation game.

When it comes to identifying unhealthy relationships, I think we all know deep down when we are in a situation that is unhealthy, even when it looks nice on the surface. It may be hard to muster up the courage to do something about it. Other factors such as fear, co-dependency, or strong manipulation tactics may keep us stuck.

On some levels that person may be keeping you comfortable, camped out halfway up the mountain with a decent view; but they are blocking you from reaching the top. We were meant to go to the top so that we can fulfill God’s purpose for our lives.

When you look around and consider each person in your life, think honestly about how you feel. Do you feel like your authentic self, fully relaxed and at peace in their presence? Do you know for a fact that you could share anything with that person and they will not judge you? Will they be there for you when you need help and never mention it again? Do they know your deepest secrets but will never use them to manipulate you? That person is your friend. True friendship is solid and secure. True friendship is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 defines that for us:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

True friendship is easy and remains solid even when we go through difficult seasons. It is authentic, healthy, unselfish, supportive, and kind. I feel so blessed to have these types of friendships in my life.

In some situations, it may not be possible to avoid being in contact with someone who is unhealthy for you. It may be a family member, a boss, or a coworker for example. I wish I could tell you that I have a solution for it, but I don’t. What has been helpful for me is to set boundaries and to educate myself on how to respond to their behaviors. Thankfully, there’s so much help and information available online.

Again, I am no expert, and this does not mean that everyone who is dysfunctional is a narcissist. I just think that overall awareness is extremely important. When I first learned about it, I was able to look back at relationships that I saw while growing up or have experienced personally as an adult. I was able to understand the dysfunction. The awareness has helped me to identify it more easily for myself and for friends.

We were designed to be in relationship with others, so that makes it even more difficult. Holding on to the wrong people will keep us stuck. Through it all, God never fails and if we can let go of the wrong people and situations in our lives, it opens the door for the right people and circumstances to enter.

There are so many layers to this, and I know that I have only scratched the surface. The biggest lesson in it for me is that the most important relationship in my life is the one I have with God. I have learned and must remind myself regularly to never be so attached to any person or thing that I miss out on what God is wanting to do in my life.

It is so important to talk to God. Ask Him to show you what you need to know about the people and situations in your life. Trust me, He will show you. Unhealthy relationships teach us valuable lessons. God can take every experience and use it for our good.

Your time spent reading this post is deeply appreciated. If you prefer listening, all blog posts are available on SoundCloud.